Terrorists want to be heard. They will go to great lengths to be sure that you hear them. But their incendiary communications often cause their messages to go up in flames.
Maybe your wife is holding her body hostage until you meet her demands? Maybe your husband is holding his appreciation, affection and respect hostage until you meet his demands?
Unfortunately, you may be unaware of exactly what your partner’s demands are. Obviously they think you are psychic or “should know” their deepest needs and desires by osmosis or divination. Exacerbating the problem is the fact that your partner probably believes that they have told you a thousand times about these needs and desires.
This is why you probably could use an expert hostage negotiator, a couples whisperer. Someone to moderate an authentic, compassionate conversation where the terrorist at your dining table calmly slides across the list of demands required for them to release the hostages.
If your partner currently does not have the communication skills to articulate their needs and desires authentically and compassionately, here is a list of ten languaging tools (mostly pattern interrupts, monkey wrenches in your partner’s cognitive engine) to facilitate each partner speaking freely and making everyone feel heard, which will put an end to the terrorism.
1. Making someone feel heard is very different from listening
It is essential that you and your partner are able to validate each other’s emotional experiences so they do not feel obligated to turn up the volume and terrorize you. Here’s how to validate your partner’s emotional experience even if you disagree with them: reflective listening. Reflect back to your partner what they said as accurately as possible. “So if I hear you correctly… you’re saying that you feel as if I’m not doing my share of the chores around the house. Did I get that right?”
Secondly, seeing as non-verbal communications are extremely important, this oral reflection must be accompanied by mirroring and matching: mirroring of facial affect and matching of body posture. “Facial affect” includes your brow, cheeks, smile, eye contact, etc. Matching includes imitating your partner’s posture — are they leaning forward or backward, are their arms or legs crossed, how are they wearing their shoulders?
I recommend five-minute Sunday night check-ins to close the week and start another one fresh. Try playing “Rose Thorn Bud” to mention one thing that you liked about the last week (rose), one thing that could use improvement (thorn), and one thing that you are looking forward to next week (bud), and have your partner reflect back each one separately; then trade places. You need to be able to validate your partner’s emotional experience even when you don’t understand or blatantly disagree with them. Making your partner feel heard will preclude them from terrorizing you.
2. Non-violent Communications
Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-violent communications are an excellent tool to reduce blame, “own” (be responsible for) their emotional experiences, inspire your partner to be vulnerable, and avoid becoming defensive.
Here’s how I teach NVC:
I feel _______________________( a feeling state)___________________________
when _______________(something you observe happens — avoid the word “you” )______
because I need ______________________(an emotional need)__________________.
In the future, would you please___________________(a request)_________________.
We cannot tell someone to be vulnerable but we can INSPIRE them by MODELING it for them. NVC is a wonderful tool to help us inspire loved ones to show up in a non-blamey manner. Bonus points if one partner uses NVC and the other reflect backs what they heard.
3. Date night
All couples should have at least two date nights per month for as long as they are together. On the first Saturday of the month at 5pm the husband sends a text message to his wife instructing her what to wear. For example, “Yoga, horseback riding, opera, restaurant, massage, walk on the beach, hot springs, or hiking clothes.” She does not bring money and preferably shuts her phone off. From 6pm to 9pm (or later) the husband is 100% responsible for sharing something he has discovered with his wife and/or entertaining her. Then on the third Saturday of the month at 5pm the wife sends a text message to the husband instructing him what to wear. He does not bring money and preferably he shuts his phone off. Rinse, repeat.
4. Framing
Everyone’s sphincter clenches when they hear the words, “We need to talk.” You must unequivocally avoid prefacing tough conversations with cues that make your partner defensive. You need to find more loving language in order to frame important conversations. If you open with any negative statement — or anything that is perceived as negative — your partner is less likely to hear the next things you say. Instead of “I need to speak to you” or “We need to speak” try “When is a good time for us to check-in?”
5. Tap-out
When any non-adult behavior occurs such as name-calling, catastrophizing (always, never), or any of the Gottman’s 4 horsemen — stonewalling, contempt, criticism, defensiveness — I advise the receiving party to “tap-out.” In professional fighting, a tap-out (think of a “safe-word”) is used to stop the fight. Here it is used to inform the other person, “Hey, you’re dysregulated, you’re not showing up as your highest self, you’re not fighting fairly like we agreed upon. Let’s take some time out and reconvene when we’re both behaving like adults who can regulate their words and actions, disagree respectfully, and look for solutions together.” Then when you reconvene the first person to speak should ask, “How do we make this a win-win situation?”
6. “How do we make this a win-win situation?”
Nobody appreciates their agency being usurped. Everyone enjoys being part of the solution. Herbert Spencer’s dictum “Survival of the fittest” meant that life was a zero-sum game with winners and losers. Harville Hendrix says, “You can either be right or you can be in relationship.” Instead of having a situation with a winner and loser, each partner should ask the other, “How can we make this a win-win situation?”
7. “Please forgive me for not understanding how you are showing your love for me”
This is a “pattern interrupt” because it makes the receiver ponder what’s really going on. It’s saying, “I know that you love me but your behavior is not adducing that love.” Like NVC, it’s essentially inspiring the other person to course-correct without blaming them.
8. “I’m triggered”
Know your core wound(s), the stimuli that trigger you, and how to recuse yourself when the wounded child in you rears its dysregulated head. We all want to be loved unconditionally and during our childhoods we learned that our parents and caregivers smiled when we ate with forks and got good grades and frowned when we ate with our hands and failed our tests. When the wounded child in all of us emerges, things can get heated very quickly. Knowing your triggers and being able to recuse yourself to collect your thoughts and show up as your highest self will help preclude your partner from terrorizing you.
9. “How can I support you?”
Suggestions can often land as criticism. Again, suggestions can often land as criticism. Even when you intend to be helpful your words could feel condescending to your partner. Instead of saying, “You should do this…” or “You should do that…” try asking your partner ,“How can I support you?”
10. “Sounds as if you no longer know how to seduce your partner.”
As a culture we conflate lust and love (see chapter 4 of “How To Survive Your Childhood Now That You’re An Adult”regarding “The Myth of Romance.”). Lust or sexual chemistry ebbs and flows over the course of most relationships. And sometimes dies. Sometimes it can be revived and sometimes it cannot. What seduced your partner during the honeymoon stage of your relationship probably won’t work when there are three screaming children at your dinner table. See the above “Date night” and ask your partner what they need in order to share an intimate evening with you.
If you want to inspire your partner to use adult communication skills and stop terrorizing you with childish behavior, try some of the above-mentioned ten language tools.
