10 Subjects That Should Not Be Discussed On First Dates

Dating has become incredibly complex. Whereas people used to seek adventure and enlightenment when meeting other humans, now they're looking for red flags.

And there's no shortage of them.

When you enter into a movie theater you submit to a tacit agreement to "suspend disbelief." This is what you need to do on dates too.

Because here's what's going on subconsciously: when we meet a new human, we subtly test to see if they're a member of our "tribe", if they're trustworthy, if they're safe to be around. This occurs through finding similar backgrounds, upbringings, values, priorities, and interests – interests in sports and teams, status coded clothing, baseball caps, schools and handbags to determine if the person is a member of a close socioeconomic class, interests in cultural experiences to see if they're a member of an equal intellectual group… This is the trust building and rapport building process. In therapy, it could take some time; on the street we're assessing people and clocking our fight/flight/freeze/fawn radar 100% of the time.

The problem with contemporary dating is that we're also clocking authenticity, because nobody likes a phony – or even too much "humble bragging". In Los Angeles where name-dropping is de rigueur… famous friends, success via osmosis… exclusive events, private dining clubs… everyone is desperately trying to escape the hoi polloi. Nietzsche wrote, "Life itself is will to power." He didn't realize that the Internet would gamify quotidian existence and spawn generations of influencers incessantly clamoring for "LIKEs".

So on a first date each party is subconsciously tracking for 1. trustworthiness and 2. authenticity. And here's where red flags emerge: if authenticity is tested before tribal trust is established, then it registers as oversharing. I'll give you an analogy: for 6 years I've been swimming a few mornings per week at the same time with two women. While resting in between laps, we banter about our pets and movies and swimming techniques. If they told me they had different political beliefs than me it wouldn't bother me at all because through our years of chatting we've established that we're members of the same tribe – the cat-loving, movie-loving, health-nut, morning swimmers tribe. As I was fond of saying at Esalen, "It's difficult to be a jerk when you're naked (or in just a bathing suit)."

However, many people today are obsessed with status so before you can even try to find mutually appealing conversation topics they'll blurt out a lightly veiled status coded pronouncement such as, "Just got back from Italy/Japan/London/Costa Rica… I got a foot massage in Delta One that was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!" They may as well ask to see your tax return; they're simply tacitly testing to see if you're of the same socioeconomic tribe.

As a therapist, I enjoy the luxury of hearing about red flags from all age groups and sexes. Here are some subjects that might land as red flags if asked before trust and rapport are established:

1. Relationship Autopsy — performing forensics on the exes who ruined your life
2. The Body Count — how many people you've slept with, offered like a Chinese menu
3. Travel Oneupsmanship – the exclusive safari, the new Aman resort, "PJs" (private jets)
4. The Childhood Trauma Olympics — competing over whose childhood was worse, which in a best case scenario results in Trauma Bonding
5. Healing Journey Update — a progress report on the life coaching program purchased six weeks ago
6. Wellness Regime — describing your supplements, smoothies, and Aura ring scores as if you were just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize
7. Virtue Signaling — your volunteer trip and the soccer team for blind kids you founded in Watts
8. Career Pivot Justification — explaining why you left your soul-crushing 9 to 5
9. How Hard You Work — proving your worth through "founding" numerous LLCs as if one of them will be another Apple or Amazon
10. Organ Recitals — reciting which vital organs are flailing

If you're out there actively dating, I recommend suspending disbelief, creating adventures (museums, galleries, plays, gardens, zoos, jazz clubs, lectures, classes) during which each party learns or discovers something new about the world, and at all costs avoiding making first dates feel like auditions or interviews.